Zumba/Christmas/Quotes

I'm a little late on the whole zumba thing but I just discovered it on youtube and I am loving it! I found a whole bunch of videos and made a playlist that I can workout to. Today was my first day and I only did like 25 minutes, to say I am out of shape would be an understatement lol. I've had the insanity workout for a long time but I can never stick to it, it's just too dang hard and I can't keep up. Now with zumba I can loose weight and get my cardio up, then tone up with insanity. When my hubby gets home I'm gonna have him measure me and I'll weigh myself, and take before pictures to motivate me and everything. Since my last "health" post I changed my overall diet and I eat a lot healthier. I'm not sure if I've actually lost any weight but I feel better and have way more energy. One tip I do have is allow yourself to have a "cheat" day once a week. I don't mean pig out like it's the end of the world, which is not today. I mean if you have a cookie or go out to eat for date night, it's okay. When I use to diet I would cave and eat something I shouldn't and I would just say, screw it and then just eat like crap again. But if you allow yourself to cheat just once a week and something small, you don't feel like you've let yourself down. And to be honest, every once in a while a girl just needs to have a slice of cake, or a little ice cream, or some yummy twix and not feel guilty afterwards. Any who, Christmas is just a few days away and I am super excited! My family have all sent me gifts and waited to the last minute to send them but it's all good. I can't wait to see what I get and have some clothes that actually fit for a change! On a completely different note, it is cold out here! I didn't think Mexicali would be this cold and I'm still washing clothes by hand and let me tell you my fingers are just gonna completely fall off soon. Since my hubby only has Sundays off we drove around looking for a "lavanderia" here and the few we did find were all closed. I think I'm just gonna pack all out dirty clothes in the trunk, give my hubby some change and have him wash our clothes in the States. That would be so weird to just know I'm wearing clothes from somewhere I'm banned from. I'm sneaky like that. :) I give props to all the blogs I read and every post has a topic and they stick to it. It's hard for me to talk about just one thing. When I read back on some of my posts I'm like dang, concentrate woman. O well, I like my randomness. Okay now I really must go before my mind wonders off anymore and I keep talking nonsense. Life is good my friends, very good indeed! One more thing, I found a quote a few days ago and I just love it. I feel like it fits me perfectly. No matter where life takes me, you'll always find me with a smile. :)  

2 years

Wow I can't even believe today marks 2 years since I've been in Mexico! Being a stay at home mom I kind of loose track of the days and this morning I woke up sad and almost wanting to cry, I looked at the date and it all clicked. I want to first post this "note" I wrote on Facebook a year ago and then the one I wrote today. I have come a long way and even though 2 years may not seem like much to someone, for me its a huge step in the right direction! I already know today is gonna be an emotional day but with my family by my side I know I'll be just fine! :)

One Year
November 18, 2011

I remember as if it were just yesterday, when they came to knock on my door. I had just
 gotten home from the store with my little family and I was putting on Sofia's new mickey
 mouse earrings, i only got one on before they told me ICE was outside looking for me, i 
went and hid in the crawl space of my house with a blanket covering me. i remember being 
able to hear my daughters laughter as she played with the kids and feeling so angry and
 ashamed that i had to hide like i was a real criminal, as if i really hurt someone or broke
 the law. my "crime" was being in the country illegally. Not a choice i made for myself but 
one that was made for me when i was 2 years old and since i turned 18, it was something i 
tried so hard to fix. i remember hiding and holding back tears, thinking that i don't want to
 hide for the rest of my life and i will confront them and end this once and for all. once they 
left i came out, my husband had come to an agreement that if i turned myself in the next 
day at 10 am with my lawyer present i would be able to just get an ankle monitor and go
 home and proceed with my case. but they lied. I remember that last night waking up
 almost every hour to just watch my husband and daughter sleep, and i had a feeling this 
was all going to be taken away soon. I went in the next day and turned myself in like we 
agreed. I got called back with my lawyer and i remember ICE asking me if i had a criminal 
record, i told them no and they thought i was lying, they said were gonna take your
fingerprints and run your name, and the truth will come out. i told them good because
 I'm not a criminal. once they realized it was true they started checking my immigration record
 and said you have a prior deportation( from when i was 14 years old, and again i was not
 old enough to make my decisions, another choice that was made for me) and that i had to
 go to jail for at least 6 months and then be deported!! i just covered my face with my 
hands and cried, i felt so helpless. thank God my lawyer fought for me and i only got 2 
weeks. Then the worst part, they called my husband and daughter back and i had to tell them
 i wont be going home with them, i was going to jail. we hugged each other and prayed
 and tried to stay strong because Sofia was there but we couldn't. that was the hardest thing
 I've ever had to do! then i was placed in a jail cell and from a little window i saw my family 
walk out, and i waved bye to them and i remember so clearly seeing Sofia look at me like
 mom we're leaving now, lets go... i wanted to die! 

as i sat there i just froze, i stopped crying and waited to be taken to jail. once in jail i remember seeing all these crack heads and women that had lost there children to the state because they were addicts. in my dorm i was with a women for DUI, a prostitute, 2 women for intentional child abuse, one for 
murder, another for stealing her moms car, and a tweeker. i remember feeling SO angry
 just looking at them and thinking what a waste of papers!!! if i had papers i would be in 
college full time, work full time, and do everything possible to have a better life for me and
 my family. i just sat there while they all told there drug stories and how they got caught, 
and when i told my story they all shut up and said i didn't deserve to be there. it was so
 degrading to be in there, and the smell of jail is horrible, it has a stench of like b.o. and jail
 food, it was disgusting. but i did learn how to make a tampon out of a pad, hairspray, 
eyeliner, lip gloss, use a sock n comb to cover my eyes because they never shut off all the 
lights, and lots of other stuff. i guess that was the up side. and the visits were awesome,
 seeing my husband and all my family made me feel so happy. then came the day i got 
deported. they called us at 3am, of course i didn't sleep at all, they gave us our clothes back 
and shackled us. and let me tell u they did not feed us, not even give us water. we were 
taken in a van to the airport, and once we all got out there were tons of police officers with
 all there guns in hand ready to use. once on the plane we went to Las Vegas to pick up 
more ppl, then to New Mexico, and Arizona, final stop was El Paso Texas. when we got off 
they took us to a bus and we drove to the border, matamoros, tamaulipas Mexico. we got 
there at almost 8:30 and that's when they finally unshackled us, i remember my ribs hurt for 
days and i had marks on my wrists and ankles. my friend Laura that i met in jail waited for
 me until my father in law came to pick me up, her family got there first. once in the car i 
felt so relieved, we went to my father in laws, sisters house to spend the night. he had 
arrived a day before and brought me all of my clothes, i remember talking to him and 
saying yesterday was the last day of my life that i will be illegal. i will never allow anyone to
 treat me like that again, and i have kept my word. the first 3 months in Mexico were hell 
because i was alone. once my daughter and husband got there passports they came 2 
weeks later on Feb.17, 2011. that was the first time i saw my daughter since i waved 
goodbye from the small jail cell in the ICE office. i was shaking so much and cried, she was
 so much bigger than when i last had seen her. i have gone through so much in a year but i am
 still so blessed, i have my daughter with me, my husband visits every few months and i live
 in a small quiet town where all the ppl love me and Sofia. i am not trying to sound like a 
victim but all of this happened because of choices my parents made for me, i just hope i 
never do that to my daughter or any future children. i thank God everyday for all of my 
blessings and pray that i go home soon. i know that everything happens for a reason and 
only God knows why. I am thankful for my family and very few friends that keep in touch 
and always make me feel loved. thank you, love Gaby!!   



2 years down, 8 to go...
December 2,2012

I just re-read my last note from a yr ago and it brought back so many emotions. I am proud of where I am today. It's has bn a long hard rod and we still have a while to go but with Gods help I know we will make it. For the past month I have bn in. A funk, I have my happy moments but then I have my really sad moments where al I want to do is lock myself in my room and cry. It just hit me today why, today marks two years since I have bn in Mexico. According to my 10 yr ban, today marks two years completed. I am that much closer to my dream. It may not seam like a lot but its a big step forward for me. Its still hard some days and I begin to question everything I've ever done and wonder if I didn't do enough, if perhaps I could have done more to avoid causing so much pain to my family. I know that I'm the reason we now live in the border, I'm the reason that so much pain has been brought to my husband and daughter and all of my family. I'm the reason my daughter now has separation anxiety and my husband has to wake up at 3 am to cross the border in order to be at work on time at 7 am. But I know I can't think like that but to be honest it's really hard not to. I try and stay busy during the day but no matter how much I fight it, these same thoughts always creep into my mind, they haunt me. I know it's still too soon and I need more time to let myself heal from all of this. It's only bn a few months since I got the 10 yr ban, only 3 months since I've lived here and only 2 since my husband moved out here. But I think after today my heart can begin to heal a little more. I am that much closer to my goal and I am moving in the right direction. 


I promise myself to try and enjoy my time more. I am blessed to say that I am able to stay at home and take care of my daughter and watch her grow into an amazing little girl. I have the most amazing husband and in just a few days it will be 4 yrs since I married the man of my dreams. And at the end of the day what matters most in this life is not what car you drive, how much money you have or how big your house is. It's your family and finding true love. I have been so blessed to already have what matters most in this world, a man who treats me like a queen and my daughter who no matter how sad I feel at times, always makes me smile. I don't know what the future holds, only God does, but my faith is strong that no matter what happens, everything will be okay. I am really going to try my best to not think of the future and enjoy this precious time I get with my family, because they are truly all I need.

It's starting to feel like home

I think I did jinx myself last time because my sister did not come and visit which was a bummer but its okay because since trying to plan that trip now we talk almost everyday and that's pretty awesome. After 2 months of living here, yesterday I finally got around to decorating my house and it's finally starting to feel like home. Its really hard hanging picture frames on concrete walls and it took me a few hours but I think it turned out pretty well. For Thanksgiving, my hubby had the day off and we decided to go to the zoo out here and it was a lot better than I expected. We had a lot of fun and bought Sofia a little giraffe that she calls Melman, like the one from Madagascar. And since Christmas is now in full swing I wanted to put up a tree but I would have to buy all of the ornaments and everything all over again which can get a bit pricey so we opted for a paper tree this year. Its a little bit taller than Sofia and she had the best time ever making it. We have been so blessed so far here and I am so grateful for that. Some more good news is that I just found a church that has service at 4 pm on Saturdays so now we can attend church since my hubby gets home from work around 1! The holidays are just around the corner and I'm so excited. I cant wait to see my daughter open all of her presents and just spend time together and have some yummy food. I can't help but feel happy and grateful. Smile because life is beautiful and I promise you there is always a reason to smile! :)

November update

It's November already! This year has flown by for me, and I am grateful for that because now I am with my family. Thank goodness my hubby found a job so quickly but they are really strict about being late, if your late only 2 times, you're fired! So on my hubby's first day he underestimated the border crossing times, even after I tried to convince him and was late. That was really scary because that's it, no more chances. After that he got so paranoid that now he leaves at 3:30 am to be to work by 5:30 am, then he takes a nap until he starts work at 7 am. On his way home is was taking like 5 minutes to cross back into Mexico and now it's taking almost an hour. My hubby works about 55-60 hours a week but if you add on how long it takes him to get to and from work its like 80+ a week! He gets home so tired that we just hurry and eat dinner, he showers and then straight to bed. I am so thankful that he works so hard for us and does it all with a smile on his face. If it were me I would come home with the biggest attitude, and he comes home and still asks me how was my day and plays with our daughter.

Because of my hubby's crazy work schedule we only have Sundays together but he spends most of the day sleeping, trying to prepare for the week ahead. I still haven't had a chance to really see Mexicali and what it has to offer. Although we did find this little hole in the wall that sells the best tacos ever, so score there! O, and my sister might come and visit me this weekend! She is still trying to figure a few things out but it looks like after 2 years I might be able to finally see her again! I hope by posting that I didn't just jinx myself, we shall see.

Since I am home alone with my daughter so much I started doing preschool with her. I have two books that is the curriculum for the whole year and she is loving it. I try and study the bible while she does her work. Between school time, cooking, cleaning, and washing clothes by hand my days go by really fast. I try and take my daughter to the park, hoping there will be other kids there she can play with but lately it's just all teenagers, no little kids. She now officially has imaginary friends. It started with an imaginary dog but now she has a whole little family going on. And you know immigration has been a big part of our lives when my daughter tells me, don't worry mom, all my friends have papers here in Mexico so they don't have to leave okay. It was cute and sad all at the same time.

All in all things are great! My family is together, and we're happy and healthy. I thank God my hubby has work and I am able to stay home with my daughter. Hopefully soon I will have a camera and can take pictures to post. Until then here's one from my iPad. Have a great day everyone, and don't forget to smile because life is amazing and God is good!

A sign from God

The entire reason we began looking into moving to Mexicali was because of an amazing family we met in Ciudad Juarez the day after I got my 10 year ban. We had breakfast together and they made Mexicali sound like a beautiful oasis in the middle of the desert. They gave us their phone number and lots of very helpful tips and we each went our way. I clearly remember going back into out hotel room and saying a prayer to thank God for giving us the answer to our problem so quickly and not letting us struggle for long, I mean he gave us the answer to our problems the next day! I tried to stay in touch but after playing phone tag I think we both just gave up and lost touch. Well on Sunday it had marked been exactly one week since my husband moved out here permanently. The original plan was that I would live here with my daughter and he would continue to work until the end of the year and with taxes he would move out here and that would give us a safe net. Well that plan started falling apart after my husband didn't get his highly anticipated promotion and with out that it wasn't really worth being apart anymore. My husband and I talked about it for almost 2 weeks until we made the decision that he would just move out here and we would just hope and pray he found a job really soon.

Now back to Sunday, we were so stressed out after filling out what felt like 100 applications and spending all week looking for jobs we had yet to hear back from anyone. We were even considering that my hubby move back to Salt Lake and ask for his job back until taxes and then try again. Later on that night we went to good old Wal-Mart to buy some groceries and just as we were about to leave there they were, the family that had started this all! We both kind of walked past each other I think in disbelief but we turned around and we hugged and said our hellos and I swear they greeted us like we were family or long lost friends and it was awesome! It was another sign from God to just have a little more faith and patience. We both went to sleep a lot calmer that night and the next day bright and early my husband got a call for an interview, he got hired on the spot and today was his first official day!!!!!

I am so happy and blessed that this has all worked out. God works in mysterious ways but his timing is always perfect and if we just have faith and work hard, it will all work out! We also went to church for the first time this past Saturday and in bible study they talked about how we all sometimes let problems overwhelm us and we need to have more faith and trust in God because after all, no matter what happens God always has the solution to all of our problems. It has just been an amazing few days for my family and I. Maybe soon my hubby can even go back to Salt Lake and finish bringing all of our things because the air mattress we bought just can't compare to our comfy bed lol. Also I want to apologize if I made it sound like he was already here but I didn't want it to be known that I was living alone with my daughter in a border town I don't even know. I'm kind of paranoid like that. I hope everyone has a beautiful day surrounded by your loved ones, I know I will ;)

Time to get in shape

So I know I've lived in Mexico for a while now but I have never looked into getting a gym membership before and dang they are expensive!! Back at home we were paying about $33 for my husband and I at our local rec center. Here in Mexico for a good gym it would cost almost $90 USD for our membership a month. They do have a daycare available but it's not included. You have to pay an extra $20 pesos every visit and it has a 2 hour limit. For some reason my husband and I tend to loose more weight during winter, I know weird right? When I was 9 months pregnant I weighed 239 and I'm only 5'6''! When I began to work out with my hubby my daughter was 4 months old, it was November 2009 and my starting weight was 210. I lost 30 lbs that winter and since I have been in Mexico I have lost a total of 55 lbs but in the last few months I have gained some of it back. For the first time in my life I was feeling in shape and healthy and no one was calling me gorda anymore. All of my clothes were falling off of me and I was feeling great. Now my pants are beginning to feel a little tight and I think it's time for a gym membership. I have the insanity program but that is more to build cardio, I loose very little weight off that. Shortly after I was deported my husband gained a lot of weight from so much stress. He is 6'1'' and was pushing 320! Now he is down to 270 and he is mostly muscle and I don't want to be that fat wife of the buff guy lol. So I think it's time we get back into shape, who am I kidding, it's time I get into shape for the first time ever. Here are three pictures, one I am almost 9 months pregnant and weigh 239. I apologize for the second picture but it's the only body shot I have and I think I weighed about 160 here and it was almost a year ago. The third one is the most recent taken just 2 months ago and I also weighed 160. You can see the difference and I definitely want to keep the weight off. 

Home Sweet Home

I am seriously loving every second of being here in Mexicali. I thank God for sending us here and having everything fall into place so effortlessly. This is my new home sweet home and is awesome! I still need to decorate and put up the finishing touches to make it feel complete but let me tell you its kinda hard to hang up all of my picture frames and wall art when the walls are all cement. I'm use to drywall, where I can just grab a thumb tack and easily press it in and voila, I'm done. Here, since we are renting, I can't make holes in these lovely cement walls. We went to our local Wal-Mart and bought two of those wall things that don't damage the wall ( my bad, I already threw away the packaging and I forgot what it's called). They each hold 3 lbs and they come with a double sided adhesive tape thing and I used both of the to hang up our bathroom mirror and it worked. The only thing I don't like about those sticky wall things are the hooks to actually hold up the mirror are huge and stick out a lot. I got creative and used some string aka an old shoe lace to hang it up and it worked out great. Now I have to think of a way to hang my smaller wall art so that you can't see those giganormous hooks. On to laundry, I have to wash clothes by hand again. I really don't mind and I am proud I even know how. When I lived in Queretaro for a year I had to wash clothes by hand but my lavadero was a nice size and I could easily wash my jeans and towels there. The lavadero I have now looks like my old one pooped this one out. Its ridiculous how small it is. My shirts barley fit but that's okay. Hopefully in a few months we can buy a washer. It's so hot here that I hang my clothes to dry in and 3 hours tops everything is dry. I want to bring all of our big furniture down here but everyone keeps telling us we will pay too much in taxes and it would be cheaper to just buy all new things. I have a king size bed, a dinning room table my dad made me, my washer and dryer and a few more things. Did anyone bring their furniture and larger items with them to Mexico? If so do you feel it was worth it with the taxes you paid? Thanks in advance. Well I think that's enough rambling for today, it's a beautiful day today and I plan to enjoy it! :)

It's all coming together

I have been in Mexicali for almost a week and I have loved every second of it. Everything has fallen into place with little or no effort! We are renting a beautiful 2 bdrm house in a really nice part of town. I have never lived in such a nice neighborhood or house in my life! And all for just $500 USD! I got internet and my house phone connected yesterday and I think by next week I'll have dish. My daughter is so happy all the time because we are now together and I am too. There are plenty of things to do here which is quite contrary to all of the info I found on the web. This is where we are suppose to be right now. Thanks to God we are all happy, healthy and settling into our new lives very nicely. Now for the fun stuff, I finished unpacking and cleaning the downstairs now I need to tackle upstairs. I'm off to do tons of housework but with a big smile on my face because it is finally my house. For the first time in almost 2 years I can say I'm home and that alone is such a blessing! Life is good and God is great! :)

5 days!!

We are only 5 days away from the move and I am so happy! I can't wait to see my daughter and know that I don't have to say goodbye anymore! God is amazing and his timing is perfect, everything is falling back into place! We also just bought a car today and I could not be more happy. It has been almost a year since we have owned a car and I'm not looking forward to the payments again but I am thrilled that we finally have a secure vehicle that they can drive down in and we can use to discover Mexico. I am just so grateful for everything and I have so much faith that it will all work out. Here is a pic of our new car, well not new but new to us lol. Life is good and God is great!! :)

A New Me

Okay guys so on Friday night I went over to my cousins house and had a late night dinner with the family and stayed up talking til just past 1 am. It was so nice to be with all of my family here and just talk about everything and anything. One of the reasons we got together was that it had been a year to the date that my nephew had gone home from the hospital. My little nephew is an Angel and such a fighter. Just before he was 3 months old he had already endured 6 surgeries, including some on his spine and brain! He has not been diagnosed with an illness per say but he is a very sick little boy. He has a valve in his head to his stomach to drain out some of the excess fluid his body makes, too much makes his head swell up and could even kill him. He can't move his legs and his eyes kind of go all over the place, the list could go on for days. On top of all of his problems he was also 3 months premature. Some doctors told my cousin and his wife to have an abortion when she was still pregnant,, some doctors told them that he didn't have a brain!


When he was released from the hospital they told him that he would live maybe 1 or 2 days and would surely die. And there we were Friday night celebrating 1 year!! He is the sweetest little boy with an amazing smile and so much will to live and that's when it hit me, how dare I complain about anything? My daughter and husband are both very happy and healthy and we are fighting to try to have a better life, we are not actually fighting to try and stay alive. There are so many people praying that they had what I have, health and love. I am so blessed to be able to see my daughter grow up and play and reach all her milestones. After dinner I came home and cried and prayed for just over an hour. I asked God for forgiveness that I complained about my situation. I still have the chance to make my life better if I choose. There are over 100 other countries I could try to move to and I'm crushed because I can't go to 1. I am grateful I even have the opportunity to try to go back in a few years, some people can never return! I am grateful that I have the love and support of all of my family. I have a husband who adores me and always makes me feel beautiful and loved. I have a daughter who is healthy and happy and is the sunshine in my life. I have so much to be thankful for that there is absolutely no reason I stay mopping around about what happened.


In just 2 1/2 weeks I will be reunited with my family and our new life will begin. God has an amazing way of teaching us life lessons and maybe I needed to go through this to appreciate everything. I am 22 years young and I have my entire life ahead of me. Thank you God for letting me see life the way I do now and I am so happy because of it. I was even able to look at my old pictures from when I was in Utah and I still cried but these were happy tears! I am so blessed to have lived that and enjoyed my daughter when she was young and saw her take her first steps and say her first words. I feel like I have been born again. That anger and hurt that I felt is gone!! Life is amazing and I intend to enjoy every second I have instead of being upset about something that was out of my control. I choose faith over worry, because I know that no matter what happens God always has the solution to all of my problems, I just need to be patient sometimes and it all falls into place! <3

I'm Free

So I just received an email from my attorney saying that my appeal was denied. This was my one last hope of things working out and waiting for a miracle to happen. I am glad that we already have a plan in place and I do have a pit in my stomach but I can't say I didn't see this coming. I knew that it was a 1 in a billion chance that it would work and unfortunately it didn't.

I am happy I have an answer and I can now officially put all of this immigration stuff behind me and just look forward. For now we are going to Mexicali to live and who knows maybe next year we will begin to try for Canada. But I have a feeling we are going to like Mexicali and we'll just wait there until the ban is up in December 2020.

I really do feel relieved that I wont have to talk about this anymore. Any time I talk to friends or family the first thing they ask about is my case. They don't understand but every time they bring it up it's like a dagger in my heart. I am happy to tell everyone the final word and ask them to not bring it up again for another 8 years. My mind can now focus on my life right now at this moment. Not worry about the future and what may or may not happen.

God is good and I know he has a plan for me and my family. I have faith that this will all work out. No more immigration talk, I'm free. I am in my home country learning about my culture and experiencing new things everyday and the best part is that I'm free. I can travel here and not have to worry about my "papers". It's an amazing feeling when someone knocks on the door and you don't have that fear to open it wondering if it's immigration. I no longer see cops and worry if they pull me over. I can apply for any job I want and not have to worry about getting fired if they find out and then worry about how we are going to pay the bills. There is an upside to all of this and it is my freedom!!

Leaving the house

I have come to realize that I now have anxiety leaving the house! When I leave the house there is no way for my hubby to get a hold of me and all I can think about is what if something happens to them and they cant call me. It is really starting to become a problem. I leave the house once a week for maybe an hour if that because my anxiety goes through the roof. In just 4 weeks we will begin our new life and I am super excited and relieved because I don't think I can handle this separation any longer. To top it off almost every night for the past 2 weeks or so right before I try to go to bed I start thinking about my appointment in Juarez. I replay in my mind everything I did and said and wonder if I could have done more. I can hear that lady telling me I have the 10 year ban and those feelings of hurt, disappointed and just plain heart broken all come back to me. I know I need to give myself more time because it has only been 2 months since I got the ban but being alone and trying to deal with this is very hard. And the week I didn't talk to my daughter threw our schedule so off that she still hardly talks to me. I normally am the most positive, happy person but I think I have reached my limit. I have not lived with my husband in almost 2 years and I have been apart from my daughter since February. I hope my next post will be to talk about how amazing things are going in Mexicali but we shall see. I have faith in God that everything happens for a reason and I just hope that soon everything just starts falling back into place.

This week

         

           So since Monday my husband hasn't had internet. He won't have internet until Friday and I am going crazy. After almost two years we had this down to a science and now everything is off. He also has vonage so of course now he can't even call me on the phone or Skype with me. I miss signing to my daughter every night and saying good morning to them. I miss watching my daughter for hours as she plays or I read her books. I miss talking 20 times a day with them to just talk about our day. I feel really lonely and this sucks! My daughter is also so use to seeing me everyday on Skype that when I don't call her at our regular times she gets upset. Now that I haven't seen her in a few days she is taking it pretty badly. Today while my hubby was at work my mother in law was kind enough to take my daughter to McDonald's to use the free wifi to call me on Skype. Well I was super happy to see my daughter but she wouldn't even say two words to me. I tried everything but she was just not having it and I try to be strong but it breaks my heart.

              For now our only form of communication is texting my hubby's work phone which is keeping me going. I am so grateful for my husband, he makes me feel so much better no matter what. He is so sweet and supportive of everything. I am also very thankful for technology because to be honest it is what has kept our marriage alive. And not only that I feel like we are better then ever. When I first arrived in Mexico so many people said he is a guy and has needs, he will not be faithful, you guys will never make it through this and a bunch of other crap. Well I am damn proud to say that not only did we make it but it has brought us closer together and our love is stronger than ever. I am so happy to know that this is the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with. And in exactly 7 weeks from today we will be starting our new life in Mexicali and I am so ready to start making new memories. I told my hubby that since I've been in Mexico I always think back to the life we use to have in Utah and how much I miss it. But hopefully soon I wont have to do that anymore because we will be together again. I am so excited to have a life again and watch my daughter grow up. Before all of this I thought I valued everything and lived life to the fullest but there are so many things I wish I would have done differently or valued more. After all of this I appreciate all of the little things because at the end of the day it's the small things that count and make life worth while! Good night world.

3 years old

3 years ago today at 2:43 am my daughter was born. Never did I imagine that I would miss her birthday. Since all of this immigration stuff began my husband and I have both missed out on Christmas, holidays and other birthdays but for our daughters birthday we always found a way to be together and celebrate, except for this year. I hope this is her only birthday that I will ever have to miss. She is a smart, beautiful, intelligent, funny little girl who deserves nothing but the best in life and her papi and I are trying our hardest to do that. In just 2 months she will be in my arms and no more goodbyes. That is the whole reason we are making this sacrifice and waiting to be together. It's so that we can be ready and be together and telling our daughter that we are not going to be apart anymore and she wont have to go through another painful goodbye. It breaks my heart to think that I can't be with her today to celebrate but I know this is something we have to do. My dad once told me that looking back on my childhood he wishes he didn't make so many sacrifices and would have just enjoyed his children while we were still young. I pray to God that I don't make that same mistake but on the same note I will always do whatever it takes to give my daughter a good, happy life. Happy birthday baby girl mommy loves you!! :)

My Weekend

This weekend was pretty great! On Wednesday I left really early from Mexico City to Queretaro. A few weeks ago a little girl from the small town I used to live in invited me to her primera comunion (I think it's first communion in English). I was really excited to go and the first few days I was really happy to see everyone again. Then Saturday came, the day of the primera comunion and I couldn't help but to think about my daughter. Exactly one year ago I was with her at another primera comunion and she was still so small. I didn't stay for all of the festivities because it was just too hard, and Sunday was about the same. When I got home I called my daughter right away on Skype and she was so happy that just seeing her beautiful smile gave me so much strength. She started telling me that papi had to go to work to get a lot of money to bring me home. That's when it dawned on me that we haven't even tried to explain the 10 year ban to my daughter. I told her that I went to talk to the mean guys but they wont give me the papers I need to go back. Right away she said wait mom, I'll talk to all the mami's and papi will get a lot of money and talk to the mean guys and you can come home. I told her that I went with papi to talk to them and they told us no, that I can go back but not right now. I tried to explain that hopefully one day I can go home I just can't right now. Then  I began to tell her that the three of us will be living here in Mexico instead. She was confused and said that she likes her house and I need to go home. I told her that I have a house in Mexico and that I want her and papi to come live with me. She stayed quit for a second and said okay mami, I'm moving to Mexico but can I take my toys? I love her innocence and even though she is barley going to turn three, she really makes an effort to understand what's going on. Later that night my hubby 3-way called me and my daughter. The first thing she said was papi, I'm moving to Mexico. She sounded so excited and happy that we would be together again. It reminded me that everything we are going through and all of our struggles are absolutely  worth it because it is all for our daughter and to give her a better future. Now if these next few months could just fly by so that we can be together again, that would be great! Going through all of these things make you really value what's important and what matters. Life is good and God is great! :)

It's Still Hard

          I just got back from a birthday dinner for my nephew who just turned one. The main topic of the night, my 10 year ban! Everyone had their opinion. Some said I should try and get the press to do a story, others said that I should ask my lawyer for my money back, and some told me to find the officer and beat her up. It was all a little ridiculous and no one understood just how badly all of their comments affect me. Then they start to bring up my daughter and I was so close to crying, I could barley keep myself together. What they didn't know is that I was just on Skype with my daughter before going to the dinner. She asked me, begged me to go get her and let her live with me. She kept saying she would behave but to just please let her come stay with me. My heart was already in pieces and this just pushed me over the edge. I kept trying to change the subject but no one was catching on.

          They continued to ask me things like, so your daughters birthday is this month, how does it feel to not be able to spend it with her. And then said things like can you imagine if something happens to your parents and you cant be there with them, or that my daughter will grow up without our families being apart of her life. The thing is that with this ban the hardest thing for me isn't so much that I'm not allowed to go back for a few years or all the comforts I had there. It's thinking about certain family members that are not legal. I am trapped outside of the US and they are trapped inside. I have a very close family and to think that I can't see them for 8.5 yrs or God forbid something were to happen to them and I can't be there for them would be devastating. The rest of my family can always visit me through out the years and I plan on sending my daughter every summer vacation back to Utah to still have that bond with all of our family. And they hit me where it hurts the most, my daughter suffering and the what if I will never be able to see certain family again if something were to happen. Just to think about my daughter turning 3 the 24th of this month and knowing I can't be there to wake her up singing happy birthday, or baking her cake together, or giving her lots of hugs and kisses breaks my heart.

            As soon as I got home I called my husband crying and just poured my heart out. I think just now he realized just how badly it all affects me. I try to be strong and put up a front but today all my walls came crashing down. I just need to not let people get into my head. I convinced myself that I had accepted everything and that it all happened for a reason, but when I hear so much negativity it is hard for me to keep my smile and positive outlook on things. God is good and I know he will see me through this. He is so good that my husband just got promoted at work with a great pay raise that will help us move sooner to Mexicali. Everything has to work out. I usually don't nag about things and I am always trying to find the positive to every situation but tonight I broke down. You can only be strong for so long until you cry like a baby, let it all out and at the end smile through the tears because everything has to be okay again. Man, I'm glad I started this blog. It is a new outlet for me and I have to admit, I feel better after writing this. Good night world. Here's to a better tomorrow.

Problem Solved

I'm a happy girl! So I was really worried about finding a good school for my daughter that I could afford. And not only that, I was also really concerned about finding a church, we are Seventh Day Adventist. So as I was doing my 100th Google search today, I found a church and it's not just a church but a temple! While I was researching the temple I found a link to an Adventist private school that is not bilingual but does teach English and is only $140 a month! I am so happy because since my immigration journey began I prayed a lot to God and asked him to let me go home so that I could continue to attend church as a Family and I promised to make God a big part of our lives. Once we decided to move to Mexicali I was really sad because I could not find a good affordable school or a church and then bam, there it was today and I am thrilled! I can not only still attend church with my family but have it be apart of my daughter's school. I immediately called my husband on Skype to let him know and we both feel that this is a sign from God that Mexicali is where we are meant to be right now and that we only need to have faith and God will make everything fall into place. : )

Forgetting my English

So today while I was talking to my hubby and I realized something that I never thought would happen, I'm beginning to forget my English! I was trying to describe something to him and could not remember for the life of me how to say it in English so I said it in Spanish. I have also caught myself several times saying things backwards. You know how in English and Spanish everything is flipped, well I seem to be stuck on Spanish mode. I have always spoken Spanish my whole life but I speak English a lot better. It worries me because I have only been in Mexico 18 months and I still have 8 1/2 yrs to go. I tell my hubby all the time to only talk to me in English so I can practice but he wants to do the same so we end up speaking Spanglish. That is one language I dominate lol. It also got me thinking about my daughter. Since our original plan was to live in the States we have only taught her Spanish, thinking that when she starts school she will learn English right, well that's not gonna happen now.


I have been looking into putting her in bilingual school once we make the big move but dang its expensive! Who has an extra $300 - $400 a month to pay for that? I was talking to my aunt about it and she suggested we pick a good normal school and since both my husband and I speak English that we should teach her at home. Then I thought back to when I was a kid. I was only allowed to speak Spanish inside our home and outside was English. I guess I'll be doing the same for my daughter but flipped. Not a bad idea and it's a lot cheaper. Even though bilingual school is still an option we will know if we can even afford it once my hubby finds a job closer to where we will live which is still a few months away. So there you have it, my random thoughts for the day.

And so it begins...

         I never thought I would be the type of person to start a blog, but here I am. In a new chapter in my life and I am ready to begin living it. My name is Gaby and I started this blog in hopes that it will bring comfort and hope to others as other blogs have done for me. I was born in Mexico and left just before I turned 3. I lived in the United States for a year and then we moved to Canada for 7 yrs. We then returned to the States and I lived there for 11 years until I was deported on December 2, 2010. I have been happily married for almost 4 years, we have been together for 6 years but we have known each other since we were 5. Together we have our beautiful daughter who will be 3 next month.

         Since I have been in Mexico it has been a very long and hard immigration process that we began in 2009 and ended abruptly on June 4, 2012 the day of my visa interview. I was not only denied my visa but given a 10 year ban which will be up December 3, 2020! Ya, talk about devastating. We were definitely not prepared for that but I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I know that God is never wrong and everything happens as it should. God is so great that the very next day after receiving such terrible news we had found the solution to our problems. It began in our hotel we stayed at in Ciudad Juarez, that's where we meet a family from Mexicali. They told us to not give up and that if we were thinking of border living then Mexicali is the way to go. They made it sound amazing and the fact that my husband could continue to work in the States was a huge plus!

       Since I have been here we have struggled a lot financially and we were so worried that if we lived in Mexico and both worked, we would work crazy long hours, never have enough money or time for anything and would not be able to provide our daughter with a life she deserves. The couple told us that it is common in Mexicali for a family member to cross the border daily for work and that on an American salary they live very comfortably. I quickly began to do research and the more I found the more I began to fall in love with the place. Everyone we have asked about Mexicali has had nothing but great things to say about there, except for the heat of course. Well in a few short months my family will be making the move out there. Some think we are crazy because neither of us have ever even been to Mexicali before but after almost 2 years of living apart we are ready to be a family again. I miss my daughter and my husband more than words can say. And after reading so many other blogs with stories similar to mine it gives me hope and lets me know that there is life after this 10 year ban.


      I am so excited to start living again because since I have been in Mexico our lives have been frozen, time passes but we remain the same. I can't wait to wake up to my family again and start making new memories! To anyone who is going through a similar situation, just know that life goes on and it can still be as happy and fulfilling as ever. Its all on how you choose to view things. I see this ban not as a bad thing but as a new opportunity. God has other plans for me than the ones I seem to be making all the time and I'm okay with that. Home is where the heart is and soon I shall be home!! :)