2 years

Wow I can't even believe today marks 2 years since I've been in Mexico! Being a stay at home mom I kind of loose track of the days and this morning I woke up sad and almost wanting to cry, I looked at the date and it all clicked. I want to first post this "note" I wrote on Facebook a year ago and then the one I wrote today. I have come a long way and even though 2 years may not seem like much to someone, for me its a huge step in the right direction! I already know today is gonna be an emotional day but with my family by my side I know I'll be just fine! :)

One Year
November 18, 2011

I remember as if it were just yesterday, when they came to knock on my door. I had just
 gotten home from the store with my little family and I was putting on Sofia's new mickey
 mouse earrings, i only got one on before they told me ICE was outside looking for me, i 
went and hid in the crawl space of my house with a blanket covering me. i remember being 
able to hear my daughters laughter as she played with the kids and feeling so angry and
 ashamed that i had to hide like i was a real criminal, as if i really hurt someone or broke
 the law. my "crime" was being in the country illegally. Not a choice i made for myself but 
one that was made for me when i was 2 years old and since i turned 18, it was something i 
tried so hard to fix. i remember hiding and holding back tears, thinking that i don't want to
 hide for the rest of my life and i will confront them and end this once and for all. once they 
left i came out, my husband had come to an agreement that if i turned myself in the next 
day at 10 am with my lawyer present i would be able to just get an ankle monitor and go
 home and proceed with my case. but they lied. I remember that last night waking up
 almost every hour to just watch my husband and daughter sleep, and i had a feeling this 
was all going to be taken away soon. I went in the next day and turned myself in like we 
agreed. I got called back with my lawyer and i remember ICE asking me if i had a criminal 
record, i told them no and they thought i was lying, they said were gonna take your
fingerprints and run your name, and the truth will come out. i told them good because
 I'm not a criminal. once they realized it was true they started checking my immigration record
 and said you have a prior deportation( from when i was 14 years old, and again i was not
 old enough to make my decisions, another choice that was made for me) and that i had to
 go to jail for at least 6 months and then be deported!! i just covered my face with my 
hands and cried, i felt so helpless. thank God my lawyer fought for me and i only got 2 
weeks. Then the worst part, they called my husband and daughter back and i had to tell them
 i wont be going home with them, i was going to jail. we hugged each other and prayed
 and tried to stay strong because Sofia was there but we couldn't. that was the hardest thing
 I've ever had to do! then i was placed in a jail cell and from a little window i saw my family 
walk out, and i waved bye to them and i remember so clearly seeing Sofia look at me like
 mom we're leaving now, lets go... i wanted to die! 

as i sat there i just froze, i stopped crying and waited to be taken to jail. once in jail i remember seeing all these crack heads and women that had lost there children to the state because they were addicts. in my dorm i was with a women for DUI, a prostitute, 2 women for intentional child abuse, one for 
murder, another for stealing her moms car, and a tweeker. i remember feeling SO angry
 just looking at them and thinking what a waste of papers!!! if i had papers i would be in 
college full time, work full time, and do everything possible to have a better life for me and
 my family. i just sat there while they all told there drug stories and how they got caught, 
and when i told my story they all shut up and said i didn't deserve to be there. it was so
 degrading to be in there, and the smell of jail is horrible, it has a stench of like b.o. and jail
 food, it was disgusting. but i did learn how to make a tampon out of a pad, hairspray, 
eyeliner, lip gloss, use a sock n comb to cover my eyes because they never shut off all the 
lights, and lots of other stuff. i guess that was the up side. and the visits were awesome,
 seeing my husband and all my family made me feel so happy. then came the day i got 
deported. they called us at 3am, of course i didn't sleep at all, they gave us our clothes back 
and shackled us. and let me tell u they did not feed us, not even give us water. we were 
taken in a van to the airport, and once we all got out there were tons of police officers with
 all there guns in hand ready to use. once on the plane we went to Las Vegas to pick up 
more ppl, then to New Mexico, and Arizona, final stop was El Paso Texas. when we got off 
they took us to a bus and we drove to the border, matamoros, tamaulipas Mexico. we got 
there at almost 8:30 and that's when they finally unshackled us, i remember my ribs hurt for 
days and i had marks on my wrists and ankles. my friend Laura that i met in jail waited for
 me until my father in law came to pick me up, her family got there first. once in the car i 
felt so relieved, we went to my father in laws, sisters house to spend the night. he had 
arrived a day before and brought me all of my clothes, i remember talking to him and 
saying yesterday was the last day of my life that i will be illegal. i will never allow anyone to
 treat me like that again, and i have kept my word. the first 3 months in Mexico were hell 
because i was alone. once my daughter and husband got there passports they came 2 
weeks later on Feb.17, 2011. that was the first time i saw my daughter since i waved 
goodbye from the small jail cell in the ICE office. i was shaking so much and cried, she was
 so much bigger than when i last had seen her. i have gone through so much in a year but i am
 still so blessed, i have my daughter with me, my husband visits every few months and i live
 in a small quiet town where all the ppl love me and Sofia. i am not trying to sound like a 
victim but all of this happened because of choices my parents made for me, i just hope i 
never do that to my daughter or any future children. i thank God everyday for all of my 
blessings and pray that i go home soon. i know that everything happens for a reason and 
only God knows why. I am thankful for my family and very few friends that keep in touch 
and always make me feel loved. thank you, love Gaby!!   



2 years down, 8 to go...
December 2,2012

I just re-read my last note from a yr ago and it brought back so many emotions. I am proud of where I am today. It's has bn a long hard rod and we still have a while to go but with Gods help I know we will make it. For the past month I have bn in. A funk, I have my happy moments but then I have my really sad moments where al I want to do is lock myself in my room and cry. It just hit me today why, today marks two years since I have bn in Mexico. According to my 10 yr ban, today marks two years completed. I am that much closer to my dream. It may not seam like a lot but its a big step forward for me. Its still hard some days and I begin to question everything I've ever done and wonder if I didn't do enough, if perhaps I could have done more to avoid causing so much pain to my family. I know that I'm the reason we now live in the border, I'm the reason that so much pain has been brought to my husband and daughter and all of my family. I'm the reason my daughter now has separation anxiety and my husband has to wake up at 3 am to cross the border in order to be at work on time at 7 am. But I know I can't think like that but to be honest it's really hard not to. I try and stay busy during the day but no matter how much I fight it, these same thoughts always creep into my mind, they haunt me. I know it's still too soon and I need more time to let myself heal from all of this. It's only bn a few months since I got the 10 yr ban, only 3 months since I've lived here and only 2 since my husband moved out here. But I think after today my heart can begin to heal a little more. I am that much closer to my goal and I am moving in the right direction. 


I promise myself to try and enjoy my time more. I am blessed to say that I am able to stay at home and take care of my daughter and watch her grow into an amazing little girl. I have the most amazing husband and in just a few days it will be 4 yrs since I married the man of my dreams. And at the end of the day what matters most in this life is not what car you drive, how much money you have or how big your house is. It's your family and finding true love. I have been so blessed to already have what matters most in this world, a man who treats me like a queen and my daughter who no matter how sad I feel at times, always makes me smile. I don't know what the future holds, only God does, but my faith is strong that no matter what happens, everything will be okay. I am really going to try my best to not think of the future and enjoy this precious time I get with my family, because they are truly all I need.