A New Me

Okay guys so on Friday night I went over to my cousins house and had a late night dinner with the family and stayed up talking til just past 1 am. It was so nice to be with all of my family here and just talk about everything and anything. One of the reasons we got together was that it had been a year to the date that my nephew had gone home from the hospital. My little nephew is an Angel and such a fighter. Just before he was 3 months old he had already endured 6 surgeries, including some on his spine and brain! He has not been diagnosed with an illness per say but he is a very sick little boy. He has a valve in his head to his stomach to drain out some of the excess fluid his body makes, too much makes his head swell up and could even kill him. He can't move his legs and his eyes kind of go all over the place, the list could go on for days. On top of all of his problems he was also 3 months premature. Some doctors told my cousin and his wife to have an abortion when she was still pregnant,, some doctors told them that he didn't have a brain!


When he was released from the hospital they told him that he would live maybe 1 or 2 days and would surely die. And there we were Friday night celebrating 1 year!! He is the sweetest little boy with an amazing smile and so much will to live and that's when it hit me, how dare I complain about anything? My daughter and husband are both very happy and healthy and we are fighting to try to have a better life, we are not actually fighting to try and stay alive. There are so many people praying that they had what I have, health and love. I am so blessed to be able to see my daughter grow up and play and reach all her milestones. After dinner I came home and cried and prayed for just over an hour. I asked God for forgiveness that I complained about my situation. I still have the chance to make my life better if I choose. There are over 100 other countries I could try to move to and I'm crushed because I can't go to 1. I am grateful I even have the opportunity to try to go back in a few years, some people can never return! I am grateful that I have the love and support of all of my family. I have a husband who adores me and always makes me feel beautiful and loved. I have a daughter who is healthy and happy and is the sunshine in my life. I have so much to be thankful for that there is absolutely no reason I stay mopping around about what happened.


In just 2 1/2 weeks I will be reunited with my family and our new life will begin. God has an amazing way of teaching us life lessons and maybe I needed to go through this to appreciate everything. I am 22 years young and I have my entire life ahead of me. Thank you God for letting me see life the way I do now and I am so happy because of it. I was even able to look at my old pictures from when I was in Utah and I still cried but these were happy tears! I am so blessed to have lived that and enjoyed my daughter when she was young and saw her take her first steps and say her first words. I feel like I have been born again. That anger and hurt that I felt is gone!! Life is amazing and I intend to enjoy every second I have instead of being upset about something that was out of my control. I choose faith over worry, because I know that no matter what happens God always has the solution to all of my problems, I just need to be patient sometimes and it all falls into place! <3

I'm Free

So I just received an email from my attorney saying that my appeal was denied. This was my one last hope of things working out and waiting for a miracle to happen. I am glad that we already have a plan in place and I do have a pit in my stomach but I can't say I didn't see this coming. I knew that it was a 1 in a billion chance that it would work and unfortunately it didn't.

I am happy I have an answer and I can now officially put all of this immigration stuff behind me and just look forward. For now we are going to Mexicali to live and who knows maybe next year we will begin to try for Canada. But I have a feeling we are going to like Mexicali and we'll just wait there until the ban is up in December 2020.

I really do feel relieved that I wont have to talk about this anymore. Any time I talk to friends or family the first thing they ask about is my case. They don't understand but every time they bring it up it's like a dagger in my heart. I am happy to tell everyone the final word and ask them to not bring it up again for another 8 years. My mind can now focus on my life right now at this moment. Not worry about the future and what may or may not happen.

God is good and I know he has a plan for me and my family. I have faith that this will all work out. No more immigration talk, I'm free. I am in my home country learning about my culture and experiencing new things everyday and the best part is that I'm free. I can travel here and not have to worry about my "papers". It's an amazing feeling when someone knocks on the door and you don't have that fear to open it wondering if it's immigration. I no longer see cops and worry if they pull me over. I can apply for any job I want and not have to worry about getting fired if they find out and then worry about how we are going to pay the bills. There is an upside to all of this and it is my freedom!!

Leaving the house

I have come to realize that I now have anxiety leaving the house! When I leave the house there is no way for my hubby to get a hold of me and all I can think about is what if something happens to them and they cant call me. It is really starting to become a problem. I leave the house once a week for maybe an hour if that because my anxiety goes through the roof. In just 4 weeks we will begin our new life and I am super excited and relieved because I don't think I can handle this separation any longer. To top it off almost every night for the past 2 weeks or so right before I try to go to bed I start thinking about my appointment in Juarez. I replay in my mind everything I did and said and wonder if I could have done more. I can hear that lady telling me I have the 10 year ban and those feelings of hurt, disappointed and just plain heart broken all come back to me. I know I need to give myself more time because it has only been 2 months since I got the ban but being alone and trying to deal with this is very hard. And the week I didn't talk to my daughter threw our schedule so off that she still hardly talks to me. I normally am the most positive, happy person but I think I have reached my limit. I have not lived with my husband in almost 2 years and I have been apart from my daughter since February. I hope my next post will be to talk about how amazing things are going in Mexicali but we shall see. I have faith in God that everything happens for a reason and I just hope that soon everything just starts falling back into place.

This week

         

           So since Monday my husband hasn't had internet. He won't have internet until Friday and I am going crazy. After almost two years we had this down to a science and now everything is off. He also has vonage so of course now he can't even call me on the phone or Skype with me. I miss signing to my daughter every night and saying good morning to them. I miss watching my daughter for hours as she plays or I read her books. I miss talking 20 times a day with them to just talk about our day. I feel really lonely and this sucks! My daughter is also so use to seeing me everyday on Skype that when I don't call her at our regular times she gets upset. Now that I haven't seen her in a few days she is taking it pretty badly. Today while my hubby was at work my mother in law was kind enough to take my daughter to McDonald's to use the free wifi to call me on Skype. Well I was super happy to see my daughter but she wouldn't even say two words to me. I tried everything but she was just not having it and I try to be strong but it breaks my heart.

              For now our only form of communication is texting my hubby's work phone which is keeping me going. I am so grateful for my husband, he makes me feel so much better no matter what. He is so sweet and supportive of everything. I am also very thankful for technology because to be honest it is what has kept our marriage alive. And not only that I feel like we are better then ever. When I first arrived in Mexico so many people said he is a guy and has needs, he will not be faithful, you guys will never make it through this and a bunch of other crap. Well I am damn proud to say that not only did we make it but it has brought us closer together and our love is stronger than ever. I am so happy to know that this is the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with. And in exactly 7 weeks from today we will be starting our new life in Mexicali and I am so ready to start making new memories. I told my hubby that since I've been in Mexico I always think back to the life we use to have in Utah and how much I miss it. But hopefully soon I wont have to do that anymore because we will be together again. I am so excited to have a life again and watch my daughter grow up. Before all of this I thought I valued everything and lived life to the fullest but there are so many things I wish I would have done differently or valued more. After all of this I appreciate all of the little things because at the end of the day it's the small things that count and make life worth while! Good night world.