I just got back from a birthday dinner for my nephew who just turned one. The main topic of the night, my 10 year ban! Everyone had their opinion. Some said I should try and get the press to do a story, others said that I should ask my lawyer for my money back, and some told me to find the officer and beat her up. It was all a little ridiculous and no one understood just how badly all of their comments affect me. Then they start to bring up my daughter and I was so close to crying, I could barley keep myself together. What they didn't know is that I was just on Skype with my daughter before going to the dinner. She asked me, begged me to go get her and let her live with me. She kept saying she would behave but to just please let her come stay with me. My heart was already in pieces and this just pushed me over the edge. I kept trying to change the subject but no one was catching on.
They continued to ask me things like, so your daughters birthday is this month, how does it feel to not be able to spend it with her. And then said things like can you imagine if something happens to your parents and you cant be there with them, or that my daughter will grow up without our families being apart of her life. The thing is that with this ban the hardest thing for me isn't so much that I'm not allowed to go back for a few years or all the comforts I had there. It's thinking about certain family members that are not legal. I am trapped outside of the US and they are trapped inside. I have a very close family and to think that I can't see them for 8.5 yrs or God forbid something were to happen to them and I can't be there for them would be devastating. The rest of my family can always visit me through out the years and I plan on sending my daughter every summer vacation back to Utah to still have that bond with all of our family. And they hit me where it hurts the most, my daughter suffering and the what if I will never be able to see certain family again if something were to happen. Just to think about my daughter turning 3 the 24th of this month and knowing I can't be there to wake her up singing happy birthday, or baking her cake together, or giving her lots of hugs and kisses breaks my heart.
As soon as I got home I called my husband crying and just poured my heart out. I think just now he realized just how badly it all affects me. I try to be strong and put up a front but today all my walls came crashing down. I just need to not let people get into my head. I convinced myself that I had accepted everything and that it all happened for a reason, but when I hear so much negativity it is hard for me to keep my smile and positive outlook on things. God is good and I know he will see me through this. He is so good that my husband just got promoted at work with a great pay raise that will help us move sooner to Mexicali. Everything has to work out. I usually don't nag about things and I am always trying to find the positive to every situation but tonight I broke down. You can only be strong for so long until you cry like a baby, let it all out and at the end smile through the tears because everything has to be okay again. Man, I'm glad I started this blog. It is a new outlet for me and I have to admit, I feel better after writing this. Good night world. Here's to a better tomorrow.
Unfortunately, you are going to go through all these "negative" steps. Other people asking and giving their two cents and you are dealing with a lot. Your situation is a bit different than mine, as I am not the one who was barred, so I can go back to the States, and do every year.
ReplyDeleteBut, all the what ifs will get you down. As hard as it is, just don't think about them. I did that for a long time. You can't live life thinking about the things that might happen. It is a domino effect. It just keeps going if you let it.
People all over the world live away from their families, and I am sure some can't afford to go and visit, so it isn't the same as a bar, but still the same that they can't see their family. But, time flies. It really does. And, technology is such a wonderful thing. Look at Skype! How easy for you to SEE your family via the computer! Obviously, it is not the same, but better than nothing.
If you can get past the what ifs, and get your husband and daughter down here, things really will smooth out. You can start living again and stop waiting. I was in the waiting stage for too long! And, I hadn't come across all these blogs until this past summer. So, I felt all alone. But, honestly, things to get better. Don't worry about what isn't happening. It will make your life much easier.
Hope you feel better soon. How long until your husband and daughter join you? Do you have a date set?
Thank you Valarie for your kind words! And you are absolutely right, I can't live in the what if's. I swear, as far as everything else goes I have learned to not only accept it but see the opportunities from it. I found and amazing church and school for my daughter. The neighborhood where we're going to live is actually a lot nicer than where they live right now. I'm happy that my daughter will learn about her culture and traditions. And as far as family goes, they will always go and visit and most of my family can always come and visit us.
ReplyDeleteIf I have learned anything from all of this immigration stuff its that we can't plan our life so far ahead because nothing is ever certain and we have to just kinda go with the flow. I am really good when I'm by myself but when I get around other people and start hearing their comments and all the negative things they have to say, it's really hard for me to not break down. I think it's still maybe too soon for me. In 2 days it will be 1 month since I got the 10 year ban.
We don't have an exact date yet. We own a house in Utah and have to get it rented and figure out a lot of stuff. We also want to pay off all our debt so we can start fresh in Mexicali. By the end of September we will have everything ready and I plan that no later then the beginning of October we will be together but nothing is for sure yet. Thanks for all your advice Valarie, and for letting me vent! :)
That is what this blog is for. It is not always going to be easy and we all can kind of understand a little bit of what you are going through being separated and away from the ones you love. Just remember that you are not alone and things will work out one way or another. I hope sooner rather than later, but know that we are here for all the good n bad, this is a great community to be apart of. Sending good thoughts your way. Take care.
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