3 years old

3 years ago today at 2:43 am my daughter was born. Never did I imagine that I would miss her birthday. Since all of this immigration stuff began my husband and I have both missed out on Christmas, holidays and other birthdays but for our daughters birthday we always found a way to be together and celebrate, except for this year. I hope this is her only birthday that I will ever have to miss. She is a smart, beautiful, intelligent, funny little girl who deserves nothing but the best in life and her papi and I are trying our hardest to do that. In just 2 months she will be in my arms and no more goodbyes. That is the whole reason we are making this sacrifice and waiting to be together. It's so that we can be ready and be together and telling our daughter that we are not going to be apart anymore and she wont have to go through another painful goodbye. It breaks my heart to think that I can't be with her today to celebrate but I know this is something we have to do. My dad once told me that looking back on my childhood he wishes he didn't make so many sacrifices and would have just enjoyed his children while we were still young. I pray to God that I don't make that same mistake but on the same note I will always do whatever it takes to give my daughter a good, happy life. Happy birthday baby girl mommy loves you!! :)

My Weekend

This weekend was pretty great! On Wednesday I left really early from Mexico City to Queretaro. A few weeks ago a little girl from the small town I used to live in invited me to her primera comunion (I think it's first communion in English). I was really excited to go and the first few days I was really happy to see everyone again. Then Saturday came, the day of the primera comunion and I couldn't help but to think about my daughter. Exactly one year ago I was with her at another primera comunion and she was still so small. I didn't stay for all of the festivities because it was just too hard, and Sunday was about the same. When I got home I called my daughter right away on Skype and she was so happy that just seeing her beautiful smile gave me so much strength. She started telling me that papi had to go to work to get a lot of money to bring me home. That's when it dawned on me that we haven't even tried to explain the 10 year ban to my daughter. I told her that I went to talk to the mean guys but they wont give me the papers I need to go back. Right away she said wait mom, I'll talk to all the mami's and papi will get a lot of money and talk to the mean guys and you can come home. I told her that I went with papi to talk to them and they told us no, that I can go back but not right now. I tried to explain that hopefully one day I can go home I just can't right now. Then  I began to tell her that the three of us will be living here in Mexico instead. She was confused and said that she likes her house and I need to go home. I told her that I have a house in Mexico and that I want her and papi to come live with me. She stayed quit for a second and said okay mami, I'm moving to Mexico but can I take my toys? I love her innocence and even though she is barley going to turn three, she really makes an effort to understand what's going on. Later that night my hubby 3-way called me and my daughter. The first thing she said was papi, I'm moving to Mexico. She sounded so excited and happy that we would be together again. It reminded me that everything we are going through and all of our struggles are absolutely  worth it because it is all for our daughter and to give her a better future. Now if these next few months could just fly by so that we can be together again, that would be great! Going through all of these things make you really value what's important and what matters. Life is good and God is great! :)

It's Still Hard

          I just got back from a birthday dinner for my nephew who just turned one. The main topic of the night, my 10 year ban! Everyone had their opinion. Some said I should try and get the press to do a story, others said that I should ask my lawyer for my money back, and some told me to find the officer and beat her up. It was all a little ridiculous and no one understood just how badly all of their comments affect me. Then they start to bring up my daughter and I was so close to crying, I could barley keep myself together. What they didn't know is that I was just on Skype with my daughter before going to the dinner. She asked me, begged me to go get her and let her live with me. She kept saying she would behave but to just please let her come stay with me. My heart was already in pieces and this just pushed me over the edge. I kept trying to change the subject but no one was catching on.

          They continued to ask me things like, so your daughters birthday is this month, how does it feel to not be able to spend it with her. And then said things like can you imagine if something happens to your parents and you cant be there with them, or that my daughter will grow up without our families being apart of her life. The thing is that with this ban the hardest thing for me isn't so much that I'm not allowed to go back for a few years or all the comforts I had there. It's thinking about certain family members that are not legal. I am trapped outside of the US and they are trapped inside. I have a very close family and to think that I can't see them for 8.5 yrs or God forbid something were to happen to them and I can't be there for them would be devastating. The rest of my family can always visit me through out the years and I plan on sending my daughter every summer vacation back to Utah to still have that bond with all of our family. And they hit me where it hurts the most, my daughter suffering and the what if I will never be able to see certain family again if something were to happen. Just to think about my daughter turning 3 the 24th of this month and knowing I can't be there to wake her up singing happy birthday, or baking her cake together, or giving her lots of hugs and kisses breaks my heart.

            As soon as I got home I called my husband crying and just poured my heart out. I think just now he realized just how badly it all affects me. I try to be strong and put up a front but today all my walls came crashing down. I just need to not let people get into my head. I convinced myself that I had accepted everything and that it all happened for a reason, but when I hear so much negativity it is hard for me to keep my smile and positive outlook on things. God is good and I know he will see me through this. He is so good that my husband just got promoted at work with a great pay raise that will help us move sooner to Mexicali. Everything has to work out. I usually don't nag about things and I am always trying to find the positive to every situation but tonight I broke down. You can only be strong for so long until you cry like a baby, let it all out and at the end smile through the tears because everything has to be okay again. Man, I'm glad I started this blog. It is a new outlet for me and I have to admit, I feel better after writing this. Good night world. Here's to a better tomorrow.